he dialogue is atrocious and the 2012 storyline is just silly beyond belief. But, man, when writer/director Roland Emmerich puts aside the plot and just focuses on scenes of destruction, this thing is a real hoot. I don't think that, other than Zombieland and The Hangover, I've laughed this hard all year, although I'm sure the comedy in 2012 is 90% unintentional.
2012 should have been released during the summer as it's a check-your-brain-at-the-door, completely over-the-top, popcorn movie that delivers some of the most outlandish and entertaining scenes of devastation we've ever seen. This is Irwin Allen pumped up on steroids and loaded with Red Bull. I'm actually sad Roland Emmerich's decided to go with a smaller, more intimate tale for his next picture because I'd really love to see him try to top the sheer mass of effects and destruction he's accomplished with 2012.
The Story
I'm not a geologist nor do I play one on TV, so here's the plot in a nutshell. The sun's gone nuts causing the Earth's core to heat up, which in turn sets off a series of catastrophic events around the globe. Earthquakes cause massive amounts of devastation, stirring up tsunamis and sending - here we go for those people who aren't fans of the United States' west coast - California into the ocean. Inactive volcanoes come to life, and just about everything that can be destroyed is torn to bits or covered with ash, lava, debris, or water.
Just prior to and during all this destruction, Jackson Curtis (author of the prophetic Farewell Atlantis, played by John Cusack) learns from a crazy hermit radio show host (played as a gleefully deranged pickle-lover by Woody Harrelson) the Mayans were right when they predicted the world would end in 2012. Every world leader already knows this, and they've been secretly building ships to save 400,000 or so people when the final act does eventually play itself out. Jackson, of course, is not one of those chosen to be saved (i.e. he's not a billionaire), but he doesn't know that so he does his best to convince his ex-wife (Amanda Peet), their two kids, and his ex-wife's new plastic surgeon boyfriend (an absolutely terrific job of acting by writer/director Tom McCarthy) they need to get onboard a plane and get the heck out of Dodge.
The film then finds our hero, Jackson, making a series of moves that takes him and his motley crew from city to city, and ultimately to China, using a variety of transportation devices that all perform as though they were built by that guy who created all of Batman's cool toys.
The Bottom Line
2012 combines elements of The Poseidon Adventure, Earthquake, Titanic, Volcano and half a dozen other disaster films into one, huge, 158 minute assault on your brain. Analyzing the story, dissecting the dialogue, figuring out the logistics of how everything fit together and how all these strangers managed to be only one degree of separation from each other - despite not having anything in common - is a useless, futile effort. 2012 is what it is: a disaster epic with a monstrous effects budget in which character development comes secondary.
Despite Emmerich and his co-writer Harald Kloser's attempts at building up a foundation from which the audience will learn to appreciate and feel for the humans fighting for their lives, you seriously can not care about these people and will be rooting for more and more destruction. Bring on more earthquakes, tidal waves, and exploding volcanos! The less we see - and hear - of the central characters, in particular Danny Glover as the overly earnest U.S. President, the better. Who cares why John Cusack's not with his wife or that the Russian billionaire forced his gorgeous blonde girlfriend to buy bigger boobs? LA's falling into the sea, Sin City is being flattened casino by casino, and there's a dog in jeopardy!
This is not a message movie unless the message is only billionaires and very lucky authors can survive the apocalypse. What 2012 is, if you totally discard reality and logic, is a special effects extravaganza of epic proportions that, despite its overly long running time, is a great way to forget real life and just let your eyeballs absorb two hours of crashes, explosions, and huge scale natural disasters. And, yes, it's way too long. But the good thing is you can take a break whenever you need to because there is no real story you need to keep up with. Just time your exit to coincide with a dialogue scene and you'll be all the better for it.
GRADE: D for plot and dialogue, A for its awesome over-the-top effects, and overall a B- for being exactly what audiences will expect from it and nothing more.
2012 was directed by Roland Emmerich and is rated PG-13 for intense disaster sequences and some language.
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